Several handsome and capable world leaders (e.g. Beats by dre), smart fellows who paid the price of greatness (adjusted for inflation), have asserted that there are forces at work, outside forces, that seek to disrupt the march of history and pollute the minds of young people with trash culture.

Some industry insiders believe outside forces are mounting what amounts to a culture war, brainwashing youths with creative content delivered via expensive headphones. And while insiders are often wrong about outsiders – insiders being on the inside and not the outside – the headphone theory should not be wholly discounted, unless, of course, you subscribe to the notion that relativists and nationalists are not hopelessly paranoid.

The proliferation of the newfangled ‘b’ headphones is indeed somewhat worrisome, to some. While the devices seem to confer status, they do not appear to pose a threat to the maintenance of public order. Nor do they have the power to turn social conservatives into tramps (smartphone locator apps have already done that). Yet, the headsets have nevertheless been identified as the ‘pointy tip of the spear’ in the culture conflict.

If headsets are the tip of the spear, imported ice cream might be said to be its shaft. Imported ice cream is of grave concern to culture protectors. When people taste good ice cream, they tend to want more, a lot more, and then they go online and start looking for underground studios offering pole dancing lessons. Pretty soon, millions of people are shimmying and sliding up and down firehouse poles wearing nothing but headphones.

For argument’s sake, let us accept that these new high-end headsets, the ones with the thick red cords snuggly inserted into insidious iPhones, are actually dangerous to the smooth operation of society and a direct challenge to traditional culture. Furthermore, let’s agree that the headsets alienate people from each other and from the means of production. But who knows what kids are listening to? They could be listening to Outkast or the audio book version of Das Capital. Or they could just be wearing earmuffs.

A nation must stand firm against cultural hegemony and naughty outside influences the same way George Clooney must take precautions when he goes out to buy a quart of malt liquor in the morning. George will don a baseball cap and sunglasses, and thereby reduce the risk of being shot by a deranged fan. So, too, must a nation don a baseball cap, lest it fall victim to the subversive subliminal messages inserted into the sonnets of ‘Lil Kim.

What can be done to arrest the corrupting influence of outsiders? Well, a coolheaded nation should not be shy about silencing its best and brightest culture producers and put the matter of popular culture squarely into the hands of a few handsome and capable gentlemen whose knowledge of the creative and performing arts runs the gamut from Journey to the West to the Mass Games of the Hermit Kingdom.

Indeed, some scholars and conspiracy theorists argue that kindergartens should replace snack time with lectures on Soviet realism. Popular revolutionary singing contests, held in public parks, will surely prove more attractive to kids than iPad games and rap-star headsets. Perhaps the technology could even be turned on its head. Rather than ban headphones outright, why not knock them off, changing the ‘b’ to a ‘p’ (for propaganda), and make them all look and sound the same? After all, control is the essence of culture.

From Magazine Reviews