A heart-shaped balloon and a denim jacket have worked wonders here

“love yourself on this day, even if you are alone” (valid, if depressing)

“If you have someone to share it with, make the most of it but if you haven’t don’t spend the day being miserable, go out with your mates nonetheless” (wise! Although, if they have someone to share it with, unwise)

“sexy underwear and lots of sex” (sexy!)

“Nod and agree with the girl. A LOT.” (like, all the time. Your head should never stop moving ideally)

“Anniversaries are much more important. That is YOUR day. Not a made up one randomly in the middle of February.”

“Cheesy chat up lines, A bottle of lambrini, Condoms from Poundland and Viagra if available” (why not splash out on some babysham and name-brand prophylactics? It’s only one day a year after all)

“Not to think you’re going to get bed time with the lady later on that day. She needs to feel that you’re sincere and care for her. If she decides bed time, then fine. But it’s up to her, don’t plan on it!” (huge fan of the use of “bed time” in this tip)

“Keep it private, if you go anywhere public you can guarantee some schmuck will go all out will doves, fireworks and a marching band with the sole intention of making you look a dick date.” (what a prick, eh? Sage advice indeed, but she’ll not have to look at the expensive food that the other diners are enjoying and then forlornly poke at the chicken you persuaded her to order)

“Ignore it. The next day’s the 15 th, who celebrates that? Valentine’s day is just a Hallmark holiday. Don’t give the leeches a chance to exploit you.” (yeah, man! SMASH THE STATE!)

“be confident and be yourself. there’s no point being false to impress. it wont get you anywhere. if you dont ask you’ll never know” (true. Very true. Although if “yourself” is a horrible, boring person then you’ve got a whole different set of problems)

“Flowers is all that needs to be done to get by… no need for a fancy dinner or day out… if you just want to get by, flowers are the perfect gift (oh, and a vase to put them in if she doesn’t have one!)” (remarkably smart – we’ve lost count of the times we’ve had to put flowers overbalancing in a pint mug)

“Write a little Valentine´s card, a little poem. Be original, think the poem out yourself not copy it from Shakespeare or someone else dead.” (yeah, at least pick Seamus Heaney, he’s still breathing)

“Alcohol and Sherlock Holmes books” (again, not a bad night – although by the third scotch we often start remembering why we don’t like Sherlock Holmes and end up just throwing the book at the wall and storming off)

“Find out if you missus actually gives a shit, then surprise her by making marginally more effort than she expects.” (genius!)

“do not go outside, turn on a tv or breathe” (do not follow this advice as it may be harmful)